Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.