Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.