At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
40s are totally the cure
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
