I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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