I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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