I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
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while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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