sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
