The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed