I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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