I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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