Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
