Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
