I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store