is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
