I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
