i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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