I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
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There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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