Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
