My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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