420 ftw
ugly people sure do ruin things
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize