My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
