he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
