he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
