I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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