When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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