Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
