so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
