He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
