I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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