How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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