I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
zippers are such a cool invention
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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