I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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