i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
