final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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