How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Randomize
