6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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