Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.