I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza