i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sarcasm needs its own font
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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