Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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