I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
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Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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