I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus