Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something