3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
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Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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