I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
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Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
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First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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