my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
