Your dad touched me again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
