Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
