News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm always down for nudity.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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