Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
