my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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