I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom